I have personally heard each and every one of these statements. Sometimes people are simply not educated enough to know how to properly communicate with a depressed individual regarding their depression. Sometimes people simply do not think before they speak, I think we are all guilty of this at times. If you find this list helpful, then share it with those around you. You'd be amazed at what a little education and slapping someone silly (kidding) can do for these emotionally charged conversations.
{1} “You can choose to be Happy.”
The brain chemistry of someone with depression does not allow for many “choices” to be easily made, especially not when it comes to happiness. Many people with depression have a hard time deciding what outfit to wear for the day, if and when they manage to get out of bed! Choosing to be happy is a load of crap. Don’t say it. As a side note, it is helpful for a depressed person to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can lead to uplifting moments, but it is not put in practice as a choice to be happy.
What this feels like you are saying: It’s as simple as a choice, you just have to do it. You can control this, if only you would try harder. You are choosing to be this down.
Alternative ways to communicate: You are not alone. Is there something we could do together to try to distract your thoughts for a bit? It hurts me to see you hurting.
{2} “What do you even have to be depressed about?”
Depending on what context this question is asked, it can come off as very hurtful and completely dismisses the fact that this person is even depressed in the first place. Sometimes we don’t even know why we’re depressed! If you are to ask us, I’m sure we can think about it for a bit and try to come up with possibilities that could be causing our latest bout of depression, but that isn’t going to answer this insensitive question or educate the person who is asking it. Depression is like a dark cloud that just won’t move no matter how loud we yell at it. We don’t “need” anything to be depressed about in order to be depressed. It’s important to remember that there are often off balance brain chemistry going on and/or hereditary factors that we cannot control.
What this feels like you are saying: You couldn’t possibly have enough problems to be this sad. It’s not that bad.
Alternative ways to communicate: You are not alone. Is there anything you would like to specifically talk about? Can you think of anything that may have triggered how you are feeling right now?
{3} “I know how you feel.”
Um no, no you don’t. You couldn’t possibly know how they feel, or how anyone feels. Nope, no, not exactly. We all sense and feel emotions differently than others. Some more intense, some less, and some just completely different. Even if you have been diagnosed with depression, you still don’t know how it feels for any one particular individual. This is something to never be said to anyone, ever-ever-ever.
What this feels like you are saying: You are basically saying that you actually KNOW what it is like to BE that person at that time, and that technically would be a complete lie. A comment like this will most likely shut someone down immediately or ignite some form of anger.
Alternative ways to communicate: You are not alone. I wish I could know how you feel so I could better understand how to support you. I am here for you. Would you like to talk about how this feels for you?
{4} “There’s always someone worse off than you.”
You have to be kidding me! As a depressed person who is usually pretty aware of all the pain and suffering in the world already, don’t you think we have already thought something along these lines before? We have, and it’s not healthy! Thinking about how much we do have in life, yet we can’t “shake” these feelings of depression makes everything worse. There is no need to remind someone that there are others in the world who are homeless or starving.
What this feels like you are saying: You don’t have enough reasons to feel this bad. You are self-absorbed. Can’t you see all the others who are suffering? Why isn’t this enough to lift you out of this?
Alternative ways to communicate: You are not alone (notice the theme here).You are important to me and loved. I can’t imagine how this feels for you. Can I give you a hug? (Hugs are amazing!)
{5} “Maybe you need medication. (OR) You don’t need medication.”
Medication is not a subject for anyone’s opinion. Depression and other mental illnesses are complex and often have a variety of treatment options. Unless you are their personal psychiatrist or primary care physician, you should never offer up any advice on medication. Also, it is important to note that medication is almost always only a piece of the treatment puzzle. Just don’t.
What this feels like you are saying: The medication is to blame for your symptoms. You can do this without medication. You can’t do this without medication. Medication is or isn’t the answer. Keep in mind, you do not have the answer.
Alternative ways to communicate: I do believe it is okay to ask someone if they have discussed things with their doctor, depending on the closeness of the relationship you have with this person. Some of us are tired, confused and need help in seeking out treatment. Unless you are the best friend or family, this is not your place. Other than that, there are no other ways to communicate about medication, because you shouldn’t be….at all.
{6} “Aren’t you always depressed?”
Okay, this is where I might just have to lay the smack down. “Yeah, I’m depressed AGAIN. Sorry to have to inconvenience you AGAIN.” No, we are not ALWAYS depressed. We do always have the medical condition of ‘Depression’, but we are not always feeling down, blue, suicidal etc.. Once again, we feel like a disappointment and a comment like this feels like a cold hard slap in the face.
What this feels like you are saying: I’m so sick of this! I can’t deal with this person again. Why can’t they just flip the switch for good and stay better?
Alternative ways to communicate: You are not alone. I’m so sorry you are going through this again. I can imagine you might feel exhausted and alone right now. I want to help you and am here for you.
{7} “Have you been reading your bible, or going to church enough?”
Regardless of religion or spirituality, this is never going to be helpful no matter how sincere your intentions are. This is suggesting that if only we were reading more scriptures, attending bible studies or receiving Communion that we would be ‘healed’. Many of us turn to our spirituality in times of depression, and yes it can be very comforting and healing. However, my problem with this is that if we are not “better” after committing all of our free time to these activities then we are apt to assume that we’ve been abandoned and we really are alone after all, which is completely untrue.
What this feels like you are saying: If only you were reading, praying and going to church more... then you would be healed or your burdens would be significantly lessened. That you know what God’s plans are for me. You aren’t putting enough spiritual work into your depression.
Alternative ways to communicate: If you are a religious/spiritual person...Can I pray for you? I know it may seem that God is distant in our times of distress, but please know that He is not. You are NOT alone.If you, or someone you know is suffering from Depression or Suicidal Thoughts know that there is help out there. Here are some resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Screening Tools (Not to be substituted for services from your Physician)
Anxiety and Depression Association of America
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
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